While domestic violence is more often than not swept under the rug when it comes to millionaires, the video of Ray Rice literally knocking out his fiancée Janay Palmer has taken a different turn.
This lady posted her photos on Facebook to draw attention to domestic violence
At first, the court wasn't even that impressed by the incident. The football player who, after the knockout, also pushes his fiancée out of the elevator emotionlessly like a bag of salt, got away with a two-game suspension, a small fine and having to follow a program on how to deal with aggression.
Thanks to TMZ inexplicably obtaining a copy of the video, the public has literally had their say on the matter with all its consequences. Ray Rice, the great football star, is today not only unemployed, he has been banned from the NFL for life and has been dropped by Nike and all other sponsors.
The video is excruciatingly painful to watch, not just for women, but for any normal human being. Whatever happened beforehand, there is no excuse for knocking someone out like that. Even if it was because his fiancée lashed out at him, the disrespectful dragging of her body speaks volumes.
What's most astonishing, however, isn't in the video. It's the fact that this same woman, his then-fiancée Janay Palmer, married him after that knockout in the face! The reason Twitter is full of #whyistayed and #whyileft.
Through this hashtag, women share their personal experiences in 140 characters about why they stayed and what ultimately made them leave domestic violence behind. This is a topic that has touched me from a young age.
In the small town of Wageningen where I grew up in Suriname, I have heard stories from childhood of women who could not escape domestic violence. I was not even ten years old when the story of an Indian woman who had left her village made the front page. Due to domestic violence, she had run away and was later found lifeless. The other cases were even more harrowing. A Hindustani woman who had hidden herself in a washing machine for three days, out of fear of being beaten up, had then committed suicide. From then on, there were almost regular cases of Hindustani women who had committed suicide due to unbearable domestic violence. All young mothers, in the prime of their lives. Not normal.
Ray's case made me think more about domestic violence. The cases that made the newspaper in Suriname were all super sad but they all had one thing in common. They were all women who had not chosen a life of violence and were brave enough to escape a life of regular beatings. These women did not take abuse for granted and chose to risk their lives rather than accept domestic violence. #respect!
What makes these cases heartbreakingly sad is the idea that these women had nowhere to go. They found no hearing, let alone protection or help from close family members or friends. Domestic violence was somehow part of it, it was normal in that environment or culture. Very, very bad. #societyfail
On the other hand, I had an acquaintance, an attractive young woman from a good family who deliberately married a man she knew in advance was a “loose hand”. I must admit that I suspect she was blinded by the jewelry he could afford as well as the so-called “status” she thought she would gain when they were married.
After her desired beautiful wedding day, the violence not only continued, she was even beaten up in the hospital once. Astonishingly enough, she also returned to him afterwards. Out of love, he was sorry, because of the children they had by then and he would change. #natural.
I don't have to tell you how painful it is to see someone you know go through this misery. It was the hardest for her parents and immediate family. Thank God she got through it and, although she was beaten up many times, she eventually left him.
Although I don't know either of them, this situation seems to match Ray and his wife. It would be easy to judge that Janay stayed for materialistic reasons. It is clearly much deeper than I will ever understand. The tweet "#WhyIStayed: You think you know but you have no idea" is therefore the most telling for me.
There are more than enough psychological arguments of manipulation, oppression, didn't know any better, that explain why victims of domestic violence stay, but I will never, ever understand why a woman stays with a man who has even once beaten her. Once is too many. Apparently those women themselves don't even understand why they stay.
Janay's latest message doesn't surprise me at all. In short, she blames the media, the NFL, and the rest of the world. The abuser, her husband, and she herself are the victims, according to her. This behavior is typical of women in these situations.
Helping women who choose an abusive partner is absolutely pointless. They are the only ones who can change their situation. Try an intervention and I will bet you she will go back. You will look like a fool.
The only thing you can really do is tell her you are there for her. Until then, you have to watch the suffering and hope she comes to her senses before the violence becomes fatal.
In order to save the image of the sport, the NFL has now introduced a clause that imposes severe punishments on athletes found guilty of domestic violence. Although it is not a noble principle, I think we can all be happy with this measure because it contributes to a better society.
Men who abuse women have just as much of a problem as the women who stay with them. What I know is that these people who beat up women are often very aware that they have a problem but that they will continue to deny it until they are confronted with the facts. From a contract of 9 million to zero salary and sponsors who drop you is a very good way to let that awareness sink in and take responsibility. More employers should follow suit. I am convinced that it would contribute to less female violence.
Research shows that 45% of the Dutch population has been (or is) a victim of domestic violence. Of these, 10% have to deal with this form of violence on a daily or weekly basis. In more than 20%, the violence lasts longer than five years. 30% see their lives change drastically as a result of the violence. In 80% of cases, the perpetrator is a man. Every year, an average of 70 women, 25 men and 50 children die in the Netherlands as a result of domestic violence.
If you are a woman who is a victim of domestic violence or you know someone who is, please know that you can contact one of the organizations below.
Domestic Violence : 030 789 20 00
Domestic Violence Support Center: 0900 1 26 26 26
Victim support: 0900-0101