'Are you growing dreads?', a black shop owner asked when I was there with my 1 year old daughter. Ouch! That was a clear hint. The underlying message was clear: 'do something about that hair!'. And I was so proud of myself that I, as a white mother, could twist my daughter's frizzy hair. Only it had been in for about 5 weeks and the twists were starting to look suspiciously like dreads.
In the meantime, almost 7 years have passed and I have learned from my mistakes about frizzy hair. In this blog, I share my bloopers. I have two goals in mind:
1. Protecting white mothers with dark-skinned children from the same bloopers
2. Calling on dark mothers to be more understanding and patient with mothers like me 😉
As with all new things, I started my afro hair adventure with all sorts of assumptions about how afro hair works. Of course, I started reading about afro hair and tried different products. But I was a total newbie. And to make it even more confusing, I quickly realized that everyone has their own science when it comes to afro hair. So I got all sorts of conflicting advice.
I share with you the most important misunderstandings and assumptions.
Misconception 1: You don't have to comb curly hair every day
When we got Anna from the social worker in South Africa she impressed upon us that we had to comb her hair every day. Then Anna would get used to pulling her hair. I promised her.
But I didn't find that easy. I had no idea what I was getting into. I stand in front of the mirror for 1 minute every day for my hair and I combed it through in 15 seconds. This was a different story. Anna often cried when combing it in the beginning. That's one of the reasons why I 'forgot' to comb it regularly. And above all, I had no idea how to comb it properly, without it hurting so much.
That it doesn't have to be worn every day (if it is worn loose) is a big misunderstanding. Yes, it takes a lot of time. But if you don't comb it daily, the hair becomes brittle and fragile because it tangles. The effect is that it doesn't grow evenly. Moreover, it doesn't look nice and unkempt if it isn't combed. If you don't comb it for a long time, tangle balls also appear.
Misconception 2: You can't comb frizzy hair
That's what I thought. I mainly combed the top with an afro comb. Until I read in a book how to do it properly. I learned to divide the hair into four or eighths and comb it out section by section. From bottom to top. It took me fifteen minutes a day. Pfff... I didn't have that time in the morning. It was time to learn how to braid. Tip: comb it through before your child goes to sleep. Divide it into eighths and comb it through section by section. When you're done with a section, twist it and wrap an elastic band around it. Then put a scarf around it to prevent it from frizzing.
Misconception 3: You can leave braided or twisted hair in for a few months
Well, I've been cured of that too. Partly because of the not-so-subtle hint from the shop owner, but mainly because the hair becomes dry, brittle and dirty if you leave it in for too long. That makes it a disaster to take out. In the meantime, I also see that the hair looks much nicer and more cared for if you don't leave hairstyles in for too long. Sounds really stupid, but I didn't see it that way at first. Over the years, I've become more and more critical. Apparently, it has to grow. I leave a twist hairstyle in for about two weeks. Braided hair for 3 to 4 weeks.
Misconception 4. You can put endless amounts of grease, oil or shea butter in frizzy hair
In the beginning I filled Anna's hair with grease. The more the better I thought, because it was really dry. If you notice that the hair remains dry, then you apparently don't have a good product. There is no point in adding more. So look for a product that works better and use that product sparingly. With too much oil or grease you suffocate the hair and scalp. The effect is that it becomes less healthy and grows less well. Also pay close attention to what you put in the hair. Make sure you don't use cheap greases that contain Vaseline or perfume, for example. I am a big fan of Mireilles products myself. Anna's hair stays beautiful with them. The Silky Shea is perfect for keeping the hair soft, supple and healthy and the No More Knots for easy combing.
Misconception 4. Once you have braided your curly hair, you no longer need to care for it
Wrong. The scalp still needs care. You often see small white spots on the scalp. Use a spray rather than a cream to care for the scalp. Let your child sleep with a silk or satin scarf at night. Then the hairstyle will stay beautiful and without frizz for the longest time. You can buy these at the toko or order them online. Do not use pantyhose, as many people do. That can actually damage the hair. The Scalp Conditioning Spray works wonders against dry spots and flakes on the scalp.
Misconception 5. All frizzy hair hairdressers know a lot about frizzy hair
The first time I had Anna's hair braided (when I couldn't do it myself yet) was at a salon in South Africa. I didn't know what was normal, so I thought pulling and crying was part of it. I felt like a terrible mother, because I watched my 1.5 year old daughter cry the whole time. Her hair looked beautiful. But then the misery started. Because it pulled so much on her scalp, Anna started pulling her hair. Even if your child doesn't pull, bald spots often develop at the hairline on the forehead when the hairdresser has braided too tightly. So don't let that happen. I also often hear of hairdressers who use a hot straightening iron to make it easier to comb and braid. Not necessary so I wouldn't let it happen, because the heat damages the hair.
Misconception 6. Afro hair stays healthier if you wear it loose
If I leave Anna's hair in an afro for more than four days, it becomes increasingly dry and brittle. If I have braided or twisted it, and I take it out after two or three weeks, it feels wonderfully soft and cared for. The hair remains better protected.
Well, that was it.. My bloopers. I hope there are some educational ones for you.
Finally, I have a request for experienced 'frizzy hair mothers': if you see a child with neglected frizzy hair and a white mother is walking next to it, have a little compassion. Just talk to the mother in question and give her a friendly tip, instead of just a disapproving look. She won't learn from that look. I have received few tips over the years. Fortunately, I am assertive enough to ask questions. Every now and then I got disapproving looks and patronizing. During the frizzy hair festival in Bijlmer, there were a few ladies who showed me how it was done. They took Anna from me and did a haircut for her. Very kindly meant, but I could do that myself. Besides, I would have preferred to get new advice. Then I would have learned something from it.
So hereby the invitation to give me advice about the hairstyles that I show in this blog. And maybe you want to add a few misconceptions?! That way we all become wiser.
